The reality of fear, and the call to listen.

Full disclosure, I'm done. I'm finally releasing my grip.
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I am learning that big life changes can not only tip our physical world upside down, but also our emotional world, and not just for a short amount of time until we "get ourselves back together again". Sometimes I don't recognize myself at all, sometimes I kind-of do, often times I just don't care, and then sometimes I wonder if I've hopped on the crazy train. 

I know we are always working on ourselves, always...but I'm realizing since having my daughter almost 10 months ago, that I've forgotten to trust myself. Before, and during pregnancy, I was confident, ready, excited. Now.....I'm often scared, worried and self-conscious. This has been my blunt reality for almost a year.

This has also been the sad reality of my yoga practice too. I'm scared to feel because I know it's different, even in the smallest most seemingly unapparent of ways. I'm unwilling to allow myself to become familiar with the change. I'm unwilling to become a different soul on the yoga mat. The physical strength is just physical, still bold and surprisingly patiently waiting. It's the emotional thread of my yoga practice that I know is going to be different. Am I afraid of it? Do I just plow through it and get to the other side so I can move on? Do I ease my way in hesitantly? I want my yoga practice to feel good again, and I know I am the one not allowing that to happen. I need to tear down this wall, but when I start, I end up struggling. But nothing is easy I guess. Especially this. This, I never expected.

A few nights ago, I started practicing yoga, then I stopped just minutes in. It didn't feel good. It didn't feel the way I wanted it to feel. I almost cried. I got up, went to bed mad and disappointed. Then my husband asked me what I would tell a student if they came to me with the same situation. I would tell them to sit with the feelings of discomfort until they eased. Just like a yin practice...you must allow the discomfort to set you free. Your body is just a receiver of the mind, and if you sit and breathe through it, you'll end up in a wet, cold puddle of truth, and THEN you'll be ready to begin.

​So, I did just that...and the next morning, I wrote this:

​Fear holds us back. But sometimes we have to give fear a thank you card, because it helps us grow stronger and deeper. Without it, life is boring and numbing. So, I must listen and move toward what scares me. 

Fear is like a yin practice. Invite it in, let it consume you, and then you are free.